He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?