because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
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It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.