My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
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{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.