Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
🍞🦆
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again