Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
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If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
the last thing a carrot sees
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?