I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
If you know, you know
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.