-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.