Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”