me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
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migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords