HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
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I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Confused owl: What?!
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.