I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?