She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
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Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*seductively eats two tums*
man: wait
time: no
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.