[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
You Might Also Like
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Go girl power!
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.