This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.