I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.