9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?