What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.