I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Childbirth is so beautiful
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon