Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.