Hell yeah 👍
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what