My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Not today.. 😂
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I love wikipedia
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history