Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you