MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
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TODAY
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I’m confused about plants
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.