What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
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pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken