Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
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who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I found your tweet-up…
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.