Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
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Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Just got to our Airbnb!