My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
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5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.