Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
You Might Also Like
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…