Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?