you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Well, that should do it
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.