A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.