Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
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I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Air conditioning – not a fan
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
every. time.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.