“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”