as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
respect
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.