WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
You Might Also Like
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”