One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.