I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I need to get some bricks…
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
what are they serving at kfc then???
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
fired
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…