My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes