Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Was it something I said?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .