How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
when nothing goes right… go left
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building