HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*