Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first