Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
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doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
life finds a way
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.