One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
That’s incredible! 👌
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.