Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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RT if you could go either way.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Sticker placement is key.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*