The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
japanese corn
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.