Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
he chose this
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Hell yeah 👍