Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
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Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Worth the read.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Weirdly Wednesday.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.