The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!