I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅